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Convinced: Part 1

September 6, 2012

I heard a sermon recently that stuck with me. The speaker described a guy named Andy who is convinced that God is his provider. She told numerous stories of how Andy, his wife and 4 kids have found themselves in a place of financial need and in one way or another God provided. At the end of her stories about Andy she said, “You may be able to sway him in another area, but when it comes to whether or not God is his sole provider, you can’t shake him. He is CONVINCED in here (his head), here (his heart) and down here (his gut).”

I struggle with a lot of stuff. I doubt myself. I question my abilities and decisions. I know He promised it, but I wonder if He can really use the pieces of me to create something more beautiful than I can imagine. I know He’s our comforter but sometimes I keep Him at arm’s distance. I believe in His love but it overwhelms me. I marvel at His ability to create the universe but I struggle to let Him lead my sometimes silly self. But I realized today why that sermon stuck with me. I have an “Andy spot.” I have one area in which I am CONVINCED.  When it comes to this, you can’t shake me. I know that I know that God is Healer.

How do I know?

I dropped the phone when they told me he had a heart attack. I smiled through tears when they said the only way he was alive was because he was at the hospital (the last place on earth he’d ever choose to be) when it happened. I held his hand and walked that country road for months, helping him get stronger after a 7-way bypass. I learned that you don’t have to know what you’re doing to ask God for help. I learned He doesn’t need me to be eloquent. He needs me to acknowledge I need Him. When I watch my dad throw my daughter in the pool, I’m CONVINCED.

I laid in a hospital bed and rubbed the radiation burn on her little back. I held her while she cried and hurt. I held her mama while she did the same. I learned to pray in ways I didn’t know before. I learned that while God never, ever wants us to hurt, He will use even the imperfect parts of our situation for good. My niece is not only a cancer survivor, but people who meet her now struggle to accept that she was ever sick. Every time I watch her run and swim and play, I’m CONVINCED.

I sat in that delivery room in stunned silence after they took her to the NICU. I sobbed the night they said she was too sick for us to visit. I felt an emptiness I had never known when I drove home from the hospital without her. I learned to trust even when I can’t see the hand to hold on to. I learned that faith is a battle scar proudly earned. When my little girl reminds me she’s a big girl, when she runs with limitless amounts of energy, I’m CONVINCED.

I held her tiny hand when it was too small to wrap about my pinky. I helped wrap her little body in plastic so she wouldn’t get too cold. I put together her crib that for months she couldn’t come home to sleep in. I learned a kind of faith you can’t teach without going through something. I learned that believing is not about receiving. It’s about believing – in the One able to be believed. My goddaughter is a healthy two year old with not one complication from being born at 26 weeks. Every time I see her sweet smile, I’m CONVINCED.

Today, you may sway me on a few things, but of one thing, I am CONVINCED. God is a healer. I’ve seen Him do it too many times.

I talked with her via Facebook and email when she became Taylor’s “Auburn mom.” A little piece of me was jealous that when Taylor had a bad day, she called me but Summer got to hug her. I thanked God daily for the love, support, protection and guidance her family provided the daughter of my heart. When they found cancer and chemo started, I was jealous again that she rocked those wigs like a pop star! I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter what I see, God is bigger. As Summer now recovers from two surgeries in a week, I’m CONVINCED. And I’m just waiting…

I prayed with her through in vitro and a dozen procedures. I walked the road with her to the decision to adopt. I threw a party when that baby boy was born and went home with two people who love him more than he’ll ever comprehend. I rejoiced with her when a year later, she got pregnant. We talked it through when last week that baby girl was diagnosed with Trisomy 18. I’ve learned that God can do what we can’t see. I’ve learned that sometimes He waits so that when He steps in, we can’t wonder who did it. There’s no option but to be CONVINCED. So I’m just waiting…

I cried when I discovered how her abortion affected her life for years to follow. I traveled from the passenger seat as she navigated the waters of being single into her mid-30’s. I stood by her when she married a man who loves God and my Janay. My heart broke when she lost the baby she carried for 3 months. My heart hurts as I now hold her hand (long distance) as she does everything in her power but has yet to fill the desire of her heart for motherhood. I’ve learned, though, that He has a purpose for every breath we take – even the ones that hurt, and I’m CONVINCED. So I’m just waiting…

Last weekend I watched a man tightrope walk across two buildings at Niagra Falls. At 600 ft. in the air, I realized that some things you have to see to believe. I’ve seen, I believe and of this, I’m CONVINCED. God is Healer. In here (my head), here (my heart) and down here (my gut), I know it because I’ve seen it. I’m CONVINCED and I’m just waiting…for the the next story to add to my list.

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  • Vikki September 6, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    Every time I think about it I am still amazed. How could we have come through that? How could our marriage have survived? How could she have survived? And the only answer is Him. There is just no way she and we came through the other side of that nightmare and are here. Happy, healthy and loved! You continue to bring tears to my eyes. Your words are so true and so heart felt. Thank you for loving God so much.