depression Encouragement Hope life lessons

What Depression Taught Me I’m NOT: Part 2

November 12, 2010

It’s so crazy that the things you struggle most to admit are way more obvious to people than you thought. The things you think might overpower you in the dark are much less scary in the light. The things you deal with, thinking no one else feels that way or could ever understand are much more common than you ever knew.
After I wrote initially about having post-partum depression, this amazing thing happened.  I honestly thought my mom and Hope were the only ones who read my blog.  (Hope somehow reads every blog ever written.  I don’t know how she does it.  I think she somehow has more hours in a day than the rest of us.)  But after pouring out my heart, girls started pouring theirs out to me.  I got to go to talk to girls who feel just like I did.  Some weren’t related to pregnancy or kids, but all were women struggling with that same dark cloud of lethargy and sadness. I am so grateful for those conversations.
Then, about a month ago, I had that moment.  I woke up one day and thought, “I’m good.  I feel more like myself.” This obviously meant I didn’t need medication anymore and I considered flushing the pills. But then I remembered. A friend who walked this crazy road before me said this day would come when I thought I was fine.  And just as she predicted, the realization came shortly thereafter that while I may be fine, I’m not great.  I never stopped taking the medicine, but a new wave of this crazy condition reared its ugly head. 
I struggle with the overwhelming urge to walk away.  It started out funny – I just want to eat my food while it’s still warm; I just want to put on an outfit and know it won’t be covered in M&M slobber by the end of the day.  But then the funny feelings turned funky.  I don’t want to be selfless and have to feed someone else before I can eat.  I don’t want to be tethered to someone and have a passenger in the car at all times.  I don’t want my daily reading to be Green Eggs and Ham.  So I thought, “what if I quit?”  I don’t want to hurt anyone (myself included).  I just want to press pause and walk away.  I want to do what I want to do, what fulfills me, what gives me energy.  (Me, Me, Me)  I then struggled with the feelings that always come next – I’m a bad mom, I’m so selfish, I’m a bad person, I’m crazy.
But I’m not crazy. I’m not the only one who’s ridden this ride and lived to tell about it. Depression taught me that I’m not alone. And neither are you.  This is part of it.  It’s part of God making me who He wants me to be.  It’s part of me going through instead of around.  I still take that white pill every day, even on the days (like today) when I am bursting with energy and think I don’t need it.  I do that because it’s the tangible action God gave me to do.  Only He can change the inside, but we are all still responsible to put in work.

Depression taught me that I’m not alone, but to know that, I have to be honest. Maybe you haven’t been prescribed a pill.  Maybe you need to go see the doctor for the first time.  Maybe you need to go to a counselor and actually tell the truth rather than faking it for one more person.  Maybe you need to get over your pride and share your story with the girl sitting next to you so she can know she’s not crazy. So she can know she’s not alone.

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  • TOLIVER FAMILY November 19, 2010 at 4:58 am

    1) Your written words are a blessing to many…keep em coming

    2)My prayer is for that day to come sooner rather than later

    3)I actually don’t read every blog written…and while I subscribe to many I only read every blog post of 3 (that includes this one…one of my favs)!

    love you!